The Schalter

Written by: Shéamus Bennett

Recently, I was privileged enough to be eavesdropping - I mean, I was right there - a conversation between a social worker and one of her clients. (I think that’s the right word - it might be ‘case studies’.)

The social worker, female, late 30s, is of managerial level. The chap, nineteen, is a known junkie, and was looking particularly dishevelled, even for him.

This all took place in a kitchen. Her, seated. Him, standing. Me? Probably flexing or somesuch.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked.

“Well,” he mumbled, “I’ve been up all night. I can’t sleep.”

She looked bemused. “Have you been taking anything?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I’ve had some white, some pot, some speed, a few tabs of Pro Plus and a can of Red Bull…”

“A can of Red Bull?” she said, aghast, now rising out of her chair, arms held towards the good Lord for guidance, “That’s ten cups of coffee right there! No wonder you couldn’t sleep.”

Well, isn’t that fascinating, I thought.

Putting aside that the Red Bull would be the very least of his worries - I mean, it’s your privilege to glaze over the cocaine, cannabis and amphetamines, I guess, but avoiding all that is the real ticket to the Land of Nod - a can of Red Bull is not, in any way, shape or form, the equivalent of ten cups of coffee.

In fact, it’s not even one cup.

There’s a lot of rubbish written about nutrition - a lot. Sure, it’s not an exact science and given that all of the RDAs and that are offered as a guide for an average person - and we’re all quite different, I can assure you - we can forgive them the odd error or exaggeration. But you can pretty much guarantee that whatever is the scare food of today will be the magical key to that awful word, wellbeing, in a decade from now. Eggs, chocolate, wine, red meat, sweeteners, butter, bread, nuts and even fruit and vegetables: give it enough time, and all of these will go through the cycle of ‘great’ to ‘hate’ and back again. You watch: by 2017, doctors will be prescribing binge-drinking as a cure for cancer.

But for all the garbage that comes out of the mouths of the so-called experts, there’s nowt as fickle, or plain stupid, as folk. People will believe any old crap about nutrition, depending on how well it suits their purpose. Usually, these tidbits are picked up from casual conversation with other morons or from a skim-read of an article in a decent newspaper or from taking something in Heat! at face value.

Which brings us back to the Red Bull and, specifically, caffeine. A normal-sized can of Red Bull has 80mg of caffeine. That’s a reasonable amount, especially compared to other standard soft drinks. Diet Coke comes in second with about 45mg. Dr. Pepper has 41; normal Pepsi about 37.5 and normal Coke about 34. (Why does Diet Coke have over 10mg more than regular? Taste. You’ve got to get it from somewhere when you’re dealing with almost zero calories.)

But all of this is chump-change compared to the glory of coffee. Eight ounces of proper coffee - which is less than the standard 8.5oz Red Bull and 12oz (330ml) Diet Coke - has anything between 100 to 175mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Even a cup of instant Joe can have as much as 100mg. And, come on, you can feel it, too. Have a cup of good coffee and you’ll get the buzz quicker, and harder, than from a Red Bull. You know it, I know it, heck, everybody knows it, if they would go so far as to think about it.

Even tea, a drink which is really only for girls and the Chinese, can take on Red Bull and kick it firmly in the knackers. Eight ounces of standard British tea has about 60mg of caffeine, which is slightly less than the can of Red Bull. But given that most proper British folk have a mug of tea, the caffeine intake is probably closer to 90. Sure, it’s more volume than the one can of Red Bull, but that’s not the way it’s advertised, is it? No: Red Bull gives you wings. A nice mug of PG Tips is for just before bedtime. Lies, lies, lies.

You’d almost be better off with the white and the speed.

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This post is tagged Caffeine, Drugs, Life