The Schalter

Written by: Shéamus Bennett

When did Lindsay Lohan officially become hot? That’s hard to say exactly, but it was probably somewhere between 2004’s acclaimed Mean Girls and 2005’s disastrous Herbie: Fully Loaded. Man, back then, she was beautiful.

See? There’s nothing there that you wouldn’t have made yourself out of magic clay (or something similar, but commercially available).

So, when did she officially become unhot? About a year later.

I mean - what is that? Grim, that’s what. No man wants that. No man.

Ah, celebrity. It’s a cruel mistress, particularly if you’re female. It’s horribly sexist, I know, but I don’t make the rules. They make them (yes, gay men). Beautiful young things who were once highly desired and white-hot commerce inevitably fade under the unrelenting pressure of Father Time and fall from public grace, being forced to take B-movie projects that five years previously they wouldn’t have even heard of, and having to get drunk, pregnant and a crack habit each and every night of the week just to make page seven of the Enquirer.

Or, they resort to something that they were contractually bound not to do for all those years when they were making number one movies and TV shows: strip off for the camera.

We all saw Lohan’s pictures this week, but just in case you missed them, or need a refresher, here you go.

(See the full spread here.)

Let’s face it - they’re not good. They, of course, meaning her breasts. What happened in the last four years that moved them from the holy grounds of perky but full to saggy and, I dunno, heavy-looking? I mean, she’s only 21, for Christ’s sake. And what the hell happened to her face? I mean, Jesus - is this a still from the next Resident Evil movie, or what?

And this is how it always happens. Sod’s Law, and all that - the longer a celebrity holds out before taking their clothes off, the more disappointing it is. I mean, it’s inevitable. One, as said, they’re up against evil old Father Time. He makes things droop (and in some cases, fall off.) Which means you either get ‘em done, which, being frank, nobody wants to see at this stage in the game, or you do a Lohan, and just let it all hang out there. Which nobody wants to see at this stage in the game. (And I’m pretty sure LL did have them done, once. What happened there?)

Two, it’s like waiting for a bus. The longer you hang around in the wind and the rain, the more you have to lose when you finally go, “Fuck it!”, and walk home, only to see the bus go past you five minutes later. Those celebrities that hold out from getting them out - and a lot of them do - really have to deliver when it comes to the crunch.

Like Kelly Brook. Back in November 2005, Kelly finally collapsed under public demand and did a partial nude spread for Arena. And it was fucking unbelievably good.

That’s how it should be done. (Brook, incidentally, was 26 when those pictures were taken.)

The thing is: despite the letdown, we should be applauding Lindsay. She’s paving the way for other hotties to finally come good and disrobe. So, then, to the point: who’s next on our Topless Celebrity Wish List? (And we only really need to see the top half. I mean, I’m not a gynaecologist but I’ll have a look and all that, but let’s be honest, it’s really only the good stuff that we want to see.)

It’s worth observing that far more celebrity ladies have already disrobed, as opposed to those who have not. And we’re talking some world-class beauties, too: Angelina Jolie, Monica Bellucci, Keira Knightley, Cameron Diaz, Eva Green, Sienna Miller, and more. Just Google ‘em. They - and they - are out there.

But many have held out for far, far too long.

Here, then, is the top twenty on our wish list, in reverse order. Aren’t you excited? Note that to qualify for this list the woman has to be either of a certain age, in the public eye for some time or specifically have some kind of clause in their movie or television contact that prevents them from displaying onscreen nudity.

20. Charlotte Church

Charlotte Church is like the poor man’s Lindsay Lohan. Once really quite fit indeed, she then spent two or three years falling out of nightclubs and taxi cabs and, being totally frank, looks well past her best. The two even look a bit similar, when you think about it.

A couple of years back Charlotte went a bit viral - no, Gavin hasn’t been sleeping around - on the back of some fake topless pictures that quickly became hot property on the web.

So, the demand is definitely there.

She had a baby last year, which probably hasn’t done her any favours, but you never know - she might bounce back!

We’d still like to see them. She used to look like this:

 

19. Neve Campbell

The jury is out on Neve Campbell - is she secretly a man? Sometimes, you wonder, as she can out-butch Jamie Lee Curtis and even Carrie-Anne Moss in some pictures. I mean, what’s going on here!?

But then you’ll see something like this…

… and remember she was one of the pioneers of the ‘no nudity’ clause, and realise it has to be done.

18. Anna Kournikova

Ah, Anna. Anna who never won a professional singles title. Anna who earned far more money off-court than on it. And Anna who if she hadn’t been a tennis player isn’t even pretty enough to make it as a magazine model.

But we’ll still have a look, thanks.

17. Rachel Stevens

Stevens is another one who can look a bit, oh, I don’t know, Down’s Syndromeish in some of her stills, but most of the time looks pretty great.

Let’s face it, Rachel - you have absolutely no career left. Do the right thing!

16. Jennifer Aniston

Ah, Jennifer. Or Rachel, as most of us will always remember her. Indeed, there was a period during Friends, somewhere between the seventh and ninth seasons, when Jennifer Aniston was smokin’ hot. I mean, she was absolutely frickin’ gorgeous.

Now, not so much, but fair’s fair - you owe us.

15. Holly Valance

For all kinds of good reasons, Holly Valance has never been hotter than she was playing a Czech hooker in Prison Break. And the rest of the time, she looks like this:

This was actually taken in her back garden, casually by friends while Holly relaxed. Probably.

14. Christina Aguilera

A few years back, Christina did a spread that featured pictures like this:

I mean, her breasts are inevitably fake, and they seem to sit ‘out there’ in some kind of gravity-defying orbit like Victoria Beckham’s, but we won’t avert our gaze if she moves her hands.

13. Britney Spears

Yes, Britney Spears. Oh, come on! Pre head-shave and becoming totally mental she’d have made the top five of everybody’s list. I mean, look at it man, look!

Now, not so much, but if the recent Gimme More video is anything to go by, she still cleans up real nice.

12. Salma Hayek

Without a doubt one of the biggest tricks the Devil ever pulled was teasing us with Selma’s plentiful bounty for nigh-on fifteen years and never giving us even a cheeky nip slip. Okay, sure - there have been one or two brief and blurry sex scenes at the movies, but that’s not enough - we want the good stuff, goddamit!

Please, Salma, please: before it’s too late.

11. Michelle Ryan

Michelle Ryan is that rarest of birds - somebody who became famous in Eastenders and isn’t a complete dog. Indeed, while she was kind of tasty in a market-stall slapper kind of way on that show, she went through some kind of metamorphosis when she left, and blossomed into this world-class honey:

She’s also totally stacked. Let’s do this!

10. Evangeline Lilly

Evangeline Lilly is hot. As Kate Austen on Lost, she’s really hot.

She’s 29 later this year. Best hurry.

9. Myleene Klass

We were teased to the point of climax - okay, beyond - during Myleene’s time on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here. All those shower scenes. Let’s be honest here: Myleene is a world-class beauty.

Unfortunately, she’s also well-educated and quite posh, so it all seems bloody unlikely. But you never know. One missed credit card payment, and hello.

8. Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel is perfect. There, I said it.

You might as well be topless here, love. So what are you? Selfish, that’s what.

7. Jessica Alba

I never really thought much of Alba until Sin City, and now she’s pretty much all I think about.

6. Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson is still only 27 but has been denying us for so long it feels like she should be in her early 40s. And if she doesn’t get it together soon, that’ll probably be her bra size, too.

Unfortunately, she’s a devout Christian and has a very odd relationship with her father, who’s also her manager. But that combo might eventually work in our favour.

5. Elisha Cuthbert

What, you thought we watched 24 for Jack Bauer? We did! But for three seasons Cuthbert made us ache and pant like some kind of wild dog in heat.

She’s a fox.

4. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Five years ago Jennifer would have been number one on this list by a country mile. Back then, she had, without a doubt, the best pair in the game.

Nowadays, it’s not looking quite so good. But we need to know for sure.

3. Beyonce Knowles

Like Simpson, Knowles is a devout Christian, and she’d even have us believe she’s still a virgin, too. And while I’m sure Jay-Z has something to say about that, this is probably never going to happen.

But it might.

2. Cheryl Cole

Now Ashley’s done the dirty on her, there’s a real possibility that an up-for-revenge Cheryl Cole will do a bare-all spread for something classy like Vogue or something trashy like FHM. She won’t need the money - Girls Aloud are the most successful female band in history - but she might want the attention.

Let’s really, really hope so. That’s some good shit.

1. Scarlett Johansson

If Jennifer Love Hewitt was the best in the business five years ago, Scarlett is the undisputed world champion of today. I mean, just have a look at this:

She knows what she has, too. She knows, and she’s teasing us all, big time. She’s said that she wants to get them out on screen, but nobody will let her. Enough, already! Somebody get her a project with Paul Verhoeven or Roman Polankski and let’s get this party started.

Because frankly, my dear, we do give a damn.

Popularity: 5% [?]

Click here to read more by Shéamus Bennett

This post is tagged Celebrity, Movies, TV