The Schalter

Written by: Shéamus Bennett

Do you find working out at the gym really, really dull? Just hate that essential but unbelievably tedious three-times-a-week running hills on the treadmill? Spent all that money on your waterproof iPod casing but just don’t have anything good to listen to in the shower immediately after setting a new PB on the bench?

Well, fret not, as I have the solution for you, right here: the 1980s!

Specifically, the soundtracks of 1980s action films. At no other time in cinematic history have violence and music come together so incredibly well as they did back then. But it was more than that - it was sheer inspiration, particularly those songs, used in the outstanding training montages, ‘kitting up’ of weapons and secret ninja training from some ancient but still deadly master (although why he never fought the boss villain has always escaped us), which seemed to feature in pretty much every movie from 1980-1989.

And it’s not just the straight-to-video fare either; even Hollywood - even Hollywood - got the idea, took full advantage of the cutting-edge synthesizer technology that was all the rage back then and gave us themes. Themes are a beautiful thing. Without themes, where would our heroes be? Dead.

Here, then, are the all-time best 18 action movie MP3s from the 1980s, all ready for you to download to your player - you’ll never have a dull workout again.

18. You’re The Best Around - Joe Esposito (THE KARATE KID, 1984)

Let’s something straight, right now: Daniel Larusso is a punk. If any hero in any film deserved to lose badly at the end it was him. Cobra Kai - that’s where the real action is happening. Why in blue blazes Elisabeth Shue would ever pick a whiny little mummy’s boy like Larusso over bad-boy-for-life Johnny Lawrence is something only writer Robert Mark Kamen can answer (although to be fair, he later redeemed himself with the ass-kicking 80s-inspired The Transporter).

However, all that said, Joe Esposito’s You’re The Best Around is a winning tune, even if it does sound like something from a Gillette commercial.

If only Johnny had won instead. (And then killed Mr Miyagi. Twice.)

Download The MP3 –> “You’re The Best Around”

17. Mighty Wings - Cheap Trick (TOP GUN, 1986)

Few films of the Rocky series have given us as many worthy 80s tunes as Tony Scott’s Top Gun. Is it an action film? Damn straight it is: how many blatantly homoerotic scenes do you need!? Maverick is the raddest name for a gay dude ever. Plus there’s cool planes and shit. And Goose dies, which kind of makes up for Daniel Larusso still being alive.

Cheap Trick’s seminal Mighty Wings powers down upon us during Maverick’s first training session. And never leaves our souls.

Download The MP3 –> “Mighty Wings”

16. Indiana Jones Theme - John Williams (RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, 1981)

It wasn’t all men in spandex doing the splits in front of their pretend girlfriends in 1980s - no, unfortunately, we had to have strictly heterosexual action heroes like Indiana Jones, too. Although, to be fair, Karen Allen is so butch in this film she might as well have been played by a man.

John Williams managed to sneak two films onto this list (damn him), but this is cracking stuff. Put it on and you’ll be getting your sex whip out from the back of the wardrobe before you can say “Asps. Very dangerous.” What, just me? Ah.

Download It –> “Indiana Jones Theme”

15. Top Gun Anthem - Harold Faltermeyer (TOP GUN, 1986)

What, no Axel F? That’s right. What, you want to start some static, Taggart? Axel F is a great tune but it won’t do much for your adrenaline levels. Harold Faltermeyer’s Top Gun Anthem, meantime - man, it’s like he took a keyboard, right, and made it sound like a frickin’ guitar. Except he didn’t - it is actually a guitar, which was a crushing blow for music fans in 1986. There’s some real piano in there, too. I know, I know.

Download The MP3 –> “Top Gun Anthem”

14. Burning Heart - Survivor (ROCKY IV, 1985)

The Rocky IV OST is, without exception, the greatest movie soundtrack of all time. Don’t bother arguing - like how the speech Rocky gives at the end of the same film was really responsible for ending the Cold War, it’s a fact.

Download The MP3 –> “Burning Heart”

13. One Vision - Queen (IRON EAGLE, 1986)

Queen a bit out of place on this list - they’re a proper band that have obviously had major success, for starters, and aren’t just famous for one song on a movie soundtrack. But, if anything epitomised the 80s action film - camp, spandex and shiny, and the guy with the moustache always died at the end - it was Queen.

Iron Eagle is a bit of a hidden gem. Kind of like a poor man’s Top Gun, but with less boy nipples. I mean, Louis Gossett Jr, right? He’d like totally kick your dad’s ass. And One Vision is blatantly a very good song, even if the intro is a bit mental.

Download The MP3 –> “One Vision”

12. Miami Vice Theme - Jan Hammer (MIAMI VICE, 1984)

Okay, okay - this is a bit of a cheat. Miami Vice was a TV show, right? Yes, it was, but the original pilot episode, Brother’s Keeper, was 92 minutes long and that so counts. Besides, Jan Hammer’s tune is the shit. Those crazy-ass drums and that totally happening ending. You know it.

Download The MP3 –> “Miami Vice Theme (Extended)”

11. Training Montage - Vince DiCola (ROCKY IV, 1985)

More Rocky IV greatness. Training Montage is such a great scene that even to begin to mock it feels blasphemous; heck, it might even be illegal for all I know. Check out the YouTube video above - man, I bet you feel like strokin’ one off right now, huh?

Download The MP3 –> “Training Montage”

10. Gonna Fly Now - Bill Conti (ROCKY III, IV)

“What the fuck?” you’re probably thinking right about now, before adding, “One, you tosser, Gonna Fly Now was in the original Rocky which was made in 1976 and is therefore not valid for inclusion in this otherwise superb list, and two, why the hell is it all the way down at number ten!?” Let me tell you why. Because it’s on every subsequent Rocky theme, including parts III-IV. And nobody thinks of the 1970s when they think about Robert “Rocky” Balboa, Sr - they think 80s, baby.

Why is it at number ten? I dunno - the music part is great, of course, and really quite inspirational, but it’s the bit when they begin to actually sing that usually makes me reach for the ‘skip’ button on my MP3 player. But to move it outside of the top ten would be scandalous. So ten it is.

Download The MP3 –> “Gonna Fly Now (Rocky’s Theme)”

9. Playing With The Boys - Kenny Loggins (TOP GUN, 1986)

More Top Gun gayness. It’s amazing how many blokes still can’t - or won’t - see the innuendo in this movie. Usually macho-man types. I mean, they can watch the volleyball scene that features Playing With The Boys and think it’s like totally cool and stuff, and you know they wouldn’t think twice about ‘hitting the showers’ with Pete Mitchell and his boys after the game, probably making ‘pee-wee’ observations like Stallone in Tango and Cash and then, whoa, before you know it, their ass is being American History X‘d. Literally. Or maybe I’m just thinking about this too much. Or not enough.

Download The MP3 –> “Playing With The Boys”

8. Eye Of The Tiger - Survivor (ROCKY III, 1982)

In the burning heart, just about to burst… oh right, sorry, that was earlier. This is pretty much the same song from Survivor, but goodness, it hits the spot. And it isn’t even the best Rocky song ever made! Or even the second best - that’s how good the soundtracks are!

Download The MP3 –> “Eye Of The Tiger”

7. Danger Zone - Kenny Loggins (TOP GUN, 1986)

Better than Eye Of The Tiger? It so is. I’m pretty sure it’s about coming out of the closet or somesuch but my boy Loggins knows how to pen some classic tunes.

Download The MP3 –> “Danger Zone”

6. Heart’s On Fire - John Cafferty (ROCKY IV, 1985)

One training montage? What are you - a Quaker? Rocky IV distinguished itself by having two, including this belter of a tune. You know the scene - Rocky goes old-school, chopping logs, pulling tractors and doing that stupidly unnecessary thing at the end of his skipping, whilst mean-old Apollo-killing Ivan Drago has the most cutting-edge gym in the world and injects himself with everything from Nandrolone to window cleaner, and still loses. Still, Stallone looked damn sexy in that beard.

Download The MP3 –> “Heart’s On Fire”

5. Superman Theme - John Williams (SUPERMAN II, 1980)

This might seem out of place, but download it and click play. Believe me: very few pieces of music are as adrenaline-pumping as this bad boy. Stick it on your MP3 player and the treadmill will just fly by (snigger). It’s the BA-BA-DA-BAM bit that kicks in at 00:32 that will really get the veins bulging. Then of course you’ve got the fantastic DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA part, which totally owns.

(And yes, from the original Superman movie too, made in 1978, etc, blah blah blah.)

Download The MP3 –> “Superman Theme”

4. Hold On To The Vision In Your Eyes - Kevin Chalfant (NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER, 1986)

No Retreat No Surrender is the sort of super-gay movie that even makes Top Gun question its sexual preference. I mean, don’t get me wrong - the fight scenes are great - it’s just the entire subplot involving the R.J. character, and situations like this:

And if you think that’s bad, you really need to see it in full video. You’re not going to believe me, but that picture is not gay enough:

It kicks in at 00:44.

I mean, really - what the hell were they thinking?

Still, it’s all about the last half hour or so of the movie, when our hero Jason Stillwell, all trained up by the ghost of Bruce Lee (you still reading this?), does his training montage bit and then fights bad old Jean Claude Van Damme. And that’s bad as in 1980s Russian stereotypes, and his acting.

Still, great, great movie. Van Damme like totally nearly kills one guy.

Download The MP3 –> “Hold On To The Vision In Your Eyes”

3. Win In The End - Mark Safan (TEEN WOLF, 1985)

Is Teen Wolf an action movie? Hell yeah. As a huge basketball fan trapped in the nightmare of football-worshipping England back in 1985, Teen Wolf was the closest I got to NBA action for about five years. The Yanks had Larry Bird - we had Alton Bird. Still, Win In The End is like the most uplifting song in this entire list, and that scene where the wolf-rejecting Michael J. Fox totally makes that winning free throw, right in front of bad boy Mick, who early on had a really sinister moment that nobody really talks about where he said he blew Fox’s mother’s head off with a SHOTGUN? Man, that shit gives me the chills. And, to be fair, a bit of a boner.

And as for Pamela - I’ll ravish her body and murder her family any time she wants. And I won’t destroy her plantation, I swear. Unless that’s a euphemism, then it’s toast.

Download The MP3 –> “Win In The End”

2. Fight To Survive - Stan Bush (BLOODSPORT, 1988)

Let’s get something out of the way right now - Bloodsport is the greatest martial arts movie ever made. Yes, it’s better than Enter The Dragon. And yes, it’s better than Ong Bak. And yes, it has some of the worst acting and dialogue ever captured on film, but man, it’s the fight scenes. Even today, a slightly frightening twenty years later, no film has captured mixed martial arts (MMA) so well, or so diversely. Van Damme, as real-life ninjutsu master Frank Dux - and by ‘ninjutsu’ I of course mean ‘bullshit’, and by ‘master’ I of course mean ‘artist’ - totally looked the part in this. When he speaks and acts and stuff, it’s like totally rubbish, but if you can just hold on to the next fight scene you’re in for a blast.

My favourite is probably when Dux fights Paco, who totally cheats at the beginning:

Plus, right, in the training montage, Jean Claude totally breaks a tree, doing the splits. He goes on to do the splits a further six times, which is a record even today. And the only person onscreen who acts worse than him is the poor kid they dragged in from some local mental institution to play Frank Dux Jr.

Soundtrack maestro Stan Bush’s Fight To Survive is the best song in a movie which has a surprisingly good OST, but it just missed out on the top spot. Still, altogether now: Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! Kumite! I totally could have fought in The Kumite. Totally.

Download The MP3 –> “Fight To Survive”

1. No Easy Way Out - Robert Tepper (ROCKY IV, 1985)

Apollo Creed is dead. (If that’s news, then shit I’m sorry, but Jesus man, it was like 23 years ago.) Rocky is totally gutted. So what does he do? Gets in his car, and drives. Luckily, Robert Tepper is on the stereo and No Easy Way Out is, without a single doubt in my mind, the greatest action movie tune of all time.

It’s pretty obvious that without this song Rocky would have lost to Ivan Drago. As it is, he and we get to reminisce about all the good times he had with Apollo, including that uncomfortably tender scene where they dance and hug at the beach, and look back when Adrian was quite clearly a really minging lesbian, but Rocky, being the man he is, had enough juice to cure her, and now she’s easily a four-pint yes.

Download The MP3 –> “No Easy Way Out”

So there we go. The definitive list. You’ll have your own suggestions, of course, but they’ll be rubbish. It doesn’t get any better than this. What have we learned? Well, naturally, that 80s action movies ruled. But we knew that anyway. Get those bad boys on your iPod now.

More importantly, if somebody could find a way to capture the best moments of our lives on video, edit them down to a three-minute training montage and package the whole thing together with a slammin’ tune on YouTube, the world would be much, much better place.

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This post is tagged Action Movies, Downloads, Movies, MP3