The Schalter

Written by: Andrew Khan

One doesn’t need to be an expert on global economics to understand that it’s probably not a good time to be loitering outside an investment bank if any of the upper-floor windows are open. Sympathy may run short for the masterminds whose sub-prime fiscal strategies would have shamed an Albanian pyramid-selling gang but the knock-on effect is widely predicted to be a slowing down of consumer spending and, potentially, a long period of recession for much of the industrialised world.

Casting an eye back to the pre-slump Eighties, it’s interesting to see the relative subtlety with which today’s ‘high net worth individuals’ have been burning some of the insane money swilling around the system. Modernist paintings have replaced Lamborghinis as the status symbol du jour, chrome and glass converted warehouses taken the place of fake-Georgian stucco mansions and Ballantyne jumpers been worn in preference to Armani suits. In the world of the young and the wealthy, crass symbols of conspicuous consumption have been overtaken by the desire for simplicity, albeit simplicity with a hefty price tag.

One of the most symbolically interesting products of recent years has been fragrance house Escentric Molecule’s unisex perfume Molecule 01, released to much fanfare in the style press and worn by celebrities like Madonna and Dita von Teese. Sold as a the first scent to utilise a single fragrance molecule, ISO E Super, its creator, German designer Geza Schoen, is quoted as saying “we recognised that maybe one is enough”. 100ml can be yours for $135 - more than the majority of Chanel, Hermes or Guerlain perfumes. A quick search on the internet, however, reveals that its two components, alcohol and ISO E Super can be bought in the same quantities for the princely sum of $3 and mixed at home in a test tube. The industrial manufacturers sell vats of the stuff for use in bleach and hard-surface cleaners. It’s not the fragrance that counts, it’s the idea that you’re buying into a sleek, modern, stripped-down world free from unnecessary embellishments.

For those seeking minimalist purity, what could be a better lifestyle accompaniment than a product containing nothing but water and ethanol? Filtered, filtered and filtered again, vodka is the drink of choice for the Wallpaper*-reading classes, the quest for clarity pushing sales of ‘high-end’ brands to over 10 million cases, and ‘super premium’ lines to 2.5 million cases every year in the US alone.

It’s tempting to write this off as a ridiculous extravagance, the last word in Emperor’s New Clothes consumerism, but aficionados of the drink will claim, with some justification, that the distinctions between brands are as real with vodka as they are with many other fine spirits.

Try telling the majority of Eastern Europeans that the lifeblood of their society is nothing more than watered-down paint-thinner and you’ll be lucky to escape with a lecture. Poles have had at least six hundred years practice in perfecting the spirit, Russians and Ukrainians claim they’ve been at it longer. Looking at some of the wonky paintings in their medieval churches, it’s a claim that has an air of plausibility. Figures suggest that, of the 4.5bn litres produced each year globally, half is consumed under Moscow’s watchful eye. Vodka goes beyond a matter of national pride; it is an integral part of the national soul.

Countries in the European Union’s ‘vodka belt’ went to battle last year in an attempt to force the trading block to outlaw the use of the sacred name for liquids not made from grain or potatoes. When you look at some of the alternative sources, it’s not difficult to see why. At least a third of the UK’s vodka industry would have been required to switch to the amusingly appropriate title of ‘white spirit’ if the proponents of the legislation had been given their way. Sugar beet is a common substitute but everything up to and including wood pulp and crude oil can be tarted up and sold as ‘vodka‘. Lobbyists from Diageo, makers of the unfathomably popular Smirnoff, managed to get the move blocked, in part.

Although there are exceptions, such as the $150-plus Kaufmann and Ultimat brands, premium vodka is a surprisingly democratic form of elitism. Largely eschewing the OTT snobbery found in some wine circles and priced within the reach of the majority, it gives a taste of the high life to anyone willing to forgo volume for quality. You may be able to buy three bottles of supermarket-own-brand spirits for the same price as one decent bottle of grain-distilled vodka but, if the object is not simply to get drunk as rapidly as possible, it’s a luxury that can be savoured with friends over a couple of evenings (unless those friends happen to be Slavs). Given that the VAT on a standard bottle of 37.5% alcohol currently stands at the best part of six quid, even the budget-conscious might want to reconsider picking up the Tesco alternative for £6.50.

With more choice than ever before, my personal top ten judged on taste and value may be of benefit to those looking for something with an edge on the usual suspects.

10. Reyka

Country of origin: Iceland

Price: £19.95 for 70cl

The environmentally-conscious choice, Reyka’s distillery is powered entirely by geothermal energy. The unique flavour is derived from the filtration process utilising Iceland’s famous volcanic lava.

9. Ketel One

Country of origin: Holland

Price: £19.75 for 70cl

A family company founded in 1691, Ketel One’s distribution rights have recently been bought by Diageo with the intention of turning it into a global mega-brand. Superior smoothness to rival Absolut and Stolichnaya.

8. Khortytsa

Country of origin: Ukraine

Price: dirt cheap

Proof positive that low-budget production doesn’t necessarily mean low-quality output, Khortytsa is a great value horilka, Ukraine’s answer to vodka hailed (mostly by Ukrainians, it must be said) as the superior drink. It’s the nation’s most popular brand and has a bottle which doesn’t appear to close properly once opened. Make of that what you will.

7. Russkii Standart Imperia

Country of origin: Russia

Price: £31.95 for 70cl in the shops, about £800 in a Russian club

Russkii Standart’s Platinum line has been the choice of oligarchs and the nouveau riche for the last few years but has now been surpassed by the Imperia label. Differences are, in all honestly, minimal but it’s streets ahead of the majority of its compatriots.

6. Grey Goose

Country of origin: France

Price: £27.95 for 70cl

The spirit credited with kicking off the premium craze, Grey Goose can’t boast a distinguished history (it was created for the US market in the 1990s) but has a pleasingly refined character. Favoured by rappers.

5. Lancut

Country of origin : Poland

Price: £19.95 for 70cl

Poland’s oldest vodka, produced in a pretty little town in the middle of nowhere, provides a superb smoky taste with genuine depth. A little harsher than others on the list but worth the burn.

4. Snow Queen

Country of origin: Kazakhstan

Price £27.00 for 70cl

Quintuple-distilled Snow Queen has been slaying the competition at international gourmet awards recently, although its claim to be made with “artisan spring water” must have raised a few eyebrows. One of the smoothest vodkas you’ll ever taste.

3. Wyborowa

Country of origin: Poland

Price: £14.25 for 70cl

Absolutely unbeatable value, Wyborowa is a true premium vodka in a mid-range price bracket. Deserves to replace Smirnoff as the standard measure in bars and homes across the country. Picasso would drink nothing else, apparently.

2. Belvedere

Country of origin: Poland

Price: £24.75 for 70cl

The world’s finest grain vodka. Slightly creamy with hints of vanilla, it tastes magnificent. Worth every Zloty.

1. Chopin

Country of origin: Poland

Price: £34.55 for 70cl

Belvedere may be the finest grain vodka but it’s pipped to the top slot by historic rival Chopin. With a taste delicate enough to be worthy of the great composer’s name, it instantly negates any idea that potato-based spirits are inferior to their wheat or rye counterparts.

Of course, if you’re spending upwards of £25 on a bottle, you need to treat it with a little respect. Mixing high-quality vodka in cocktails is sacrilegious – it should be drunk neat, straight out of the freezer, in frosted shot glasses. Anything below 40% proof will turn to mush at sub-zero temperatures but proper vodka will not ice up. Accompany it with pickles and the blackest bread that you can find. Na zdrowie!

Popularity: 33% [?]

If you enjoyed this article, you might want to read:

• Uprooting The Family Tree: Does Our Background Matter?
• Enlightenment In A Bottle

Click here to read more by Andrew Khan

This post is tagged Alcohol, Good Living