SHEA BENNETT (EDITOR-IN-CHIEF)
Shéa gave 15 years of his life to the money markets, then threw it all away… for an SIA badge. He doesn’t regret it, though; what other profession legally allows you to beat people up and then accidentally erase the CCTV footage? Apart from the Police Force, naturally.
Shéa felt it was important to let everybody know that he created, wrote and compiled everything on TheSchalter.com using Notepad.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: Working in a sports shop in a David Lloyd center, Monday to Friday. Naturally, it was all old people or the hideous kids of spoilt bastards. I got fired after borrowing one of the rackets for a tournament and then smashing it when I got trounced by some punk kid.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: A footballer, a journalist, and then a stockbroker. I basically accomplished the latter; I’m secretly hoping that I’m working in reverse.
My Ideal Dinner Companion Would Be: Steve Jobs. He’d pay.
ALEXEI HAIGH (NEWS EDITOR) Raised by wolves in the Siberian tundra and having spent ten years as part of the Motherland’s “Super Soldat” experimental military programme, Alexei was forced to leave the Soviet Union post-communism to find an environment equally harsh and sadistic to suit his needs. Thankfully he was able to do so in the leafy climes of West London’s media clique where he has been working for the last six years for companies such as the BBC, Discovery and the Associated Press. He now works for a small media company in the city re-adjusting people’s perecption of reality.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: The sterilisation and decontamination unit in the local hospital hired me to do what it says on the tin when I was 18 years old. I ran the risk of becoming sterile (natch) and / or contaminated (obv) but without any cool side-effects. Instead I had to listen to hospital radio all day long. I lasted a day and a half.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: A millionaire. I didn’t trouble myself with exactly how that was going to happen though.
My Favourite Album Of All Time Is: Kino - Sorok Shest.
LILY OAKMAN (COPY EDITOR)
Lil spent way too long getting a degree in French, and even longer working in vaguely language-related but largely mind-numbing jobs to pay off her student debt. She is finally fulfilling her big, idealistic, child-of-the-seventies dreams of training as a primary teacher, and hopes to teach kids how to be über-creative and liberated as well as put apostrophes in the right place.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: As a poor student I once got paid to wear a VR helmet and glove and wander round in an empty room looking for an imaginary box in an imaginary office.
My Favourite Album Of All Time Is: Being an indie kid I have to choose Definitely Maybe, it’s my generation, baby.
My Guilty Pleasure Is: I used to love secretly making scary faces at babies on buses until they cried. Not really the done thing for a teacher though.
IAN BROATCH
Ian’s led a feckless kind of life career-wise, wasting it away on a university course that bored him and then a series of dead-end temping jobs. In his directionless way he has ended up working as a subject officer at an exam board. He’s content enough, but hopes not to become too settled anytime soon. Ian is a NCTJ qualified journalist who, in a previous life, worked for several minor London publications. Fed up with the cynicism of the mainstream media, he drifted out of the profession.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: I sold music CDs to businesses; knocking on doors, hawking my wares. It was cold and depressing - one look at me and people knew my heart wasn’t in it and hence didn’t buy. I only lasted two weeks because I got to hang out with a very cool black man with an afro - we spent the whole day talking about music and Woody Allen films, about which he was an expert.
The Most Embarrassing Thing On My iPod Is: I’m not embarrassed by anything I actually like. Plus, I’m so painfully hip that I don’t have any naff music on there.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: I wanted to start my own religion and see what happened from there. I think I had fantasies of being a war hero as well.
STEPHEN GRAY
Stephen is a slightly directionless law graduate accidentally working for a legal recruitment company. After a brief stint under the auspices of a private detective he now spends his days in the less exotic company of commercial lawyers. From a quiet corner of southeast London he pretends to enjoy Russian literature and writes novels in the summertime.
The Most Embarrassing Thing On My iPod Is: Its pink leather cover, especially on a night bus through Deptford. And a little Steely Dan.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: A vicar who composed organ music in his spare time. It didn’t last very long, but I can still play the organ.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: Looking after the fruit and vegetables in a niche organic village greengrocers. Lychees won’t rotate themselves.
HATTIE KENNEDY
Harriet is a caffeine junkie, book addict, francophile, currently to be found studying in Montreal. Aside from her yet to be written/conceived/considered Great Canadian Novel, she dabbles in poetry, reads a lot of books and is perfecting her gallic shrug.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: Nancy Drew, I had this desperate desire for red hair, a boyfriend called Ned and a convertible. I had no idea what a convertible was but I wanted one. Now my boyfriend’s got red hair, I sometimes work with ‘Neds’ and my car has so many holes in the roof it is practically a convertible.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: Working in a teashop on a petting farm. Smelly animals, snotty children and a boss who fancied herself as a singer.
My Guilty Pleasure Is: Kitchen Dancing and Marmite, Peanut Butter and Jam sandwiches. Preferably the two at the same time.
MARTIN DI PAOLA
Martin is a rapidly aging man-child frittering away his existence in a daze of shirked responsibilities and noble dreams. Experienced in a range of disciplines, he is desperate to prove himself at least vaguely competent in one. Martin is a some time English teacher, one time speech-writer and oft-time obsessive but amateur writer of poetry, prose and plays. He is especially fond of writing silly poems about animals that he hopes will make him mildly well-known and financially secure.
The Most Embarrassing Thing On My iPod Is: Paradise by Kaci. Vaguely obscure but strangely compelling bubblegum pop by barely pubescent songstress.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: A dinosaur. I really liked dinosaurs and knew all of their names. That or Prime Minister, the two were not an impossible combination in my eyes.
My Ideal Dinner Companion Would Be: Vladimir Nabokov. Simply the best writer of prose in the history of literature. Maybe he’d give me some pointers.
IAN DUNN
Ian Dunn is a Zambian born Scot. He is a journalist who mainly covers Scottish political and religious matters. He occasionally treats the less salubrious bars of Glasgow to his unique vocal styling, as part of his band the 18 wheels.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: Working for a bank. Drinking on the job is probably a sign you need a career change.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: An astronaut. Though I reckon it could still happen. As technology comes in, lifespan will be extended so much that there’s every chance I could live to have my own space ship.
My Favourite Album Of All Time Is: Heartbreaker by Ryan Adams, Or Sign O The Times by Prince.
ANDREW KHAN
Andrew is Senior International Something Or Other at a company dedicated to making small children cry. He stumbled into the examination industry accidentally, much as one might an open grave, and has found it impossible to get out. This, it must be admitted, is primarily down to his natural indolence, a national characteristic of his occasional homeland Trinidad which he has embraced wholeheartedly. He ploughs a lonely furrow at clubcontact.blogspot.com.
The Worst Job I Ever Had Was: I used to be a printer in a poorly ventilated college basement. Apparently the last three people to hold the position had been forced to retire due to ‘respiratory issues’. I didn’t stay long.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: An archaeologist. Sadly I was persuaded to take Law at the LSE instead. I could be on the plains of Peru excavating the mud city of Chan Chan rather than stuck in a central London office listening to people complain about missing test papers. Thanks Mum.
The Most Embarrassing Thing On My iPod Sony MP3 Walkman Is: I feel no shame about anything on my MP3 player. Not even 2 Unlimited.
LOUISE MORGAN
Following many years (and much money) spent studying medieval English literature, Louise has been at various points along the way a PA, a librarian and - for one glorious week - the entire complaints department of a national healthcare company. She recently gave it all up to become a full-time mother and currently can be found somewhere in Surrey, a bemused expression on her face and baby sick in her hair.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: The designer of a range of guinea pig fashions. I was 6. My mother has never let me forget it. There were hats and everything.
My Favourite Album Of All Time Is: Rammstein’s Mutter. I’m a sucker for a bit of German industrial metal.
My Ideal Dinner Companion Would Be: Clued-up enough to book a stellar restaurant, intelligent enough to make interesting conversation, wealthy enough to pay the bill.
DAN SHIRES
Dan Shires is, apparently, older than almost everyone else on the Internet and earns a living as Head Of Programmes for Fox International Channels. An appalling meeja hor, he was also once a prodigious writer for early 90’s film review show The Little Picture Show, which was eventually cancelled because ITV wanted a proto-version of Streetmate. He hasn’t watched ITV since. He also briefly wrote for two movie magazines which no longer exist. A filthy liberal, he supports many Green causes, but deep down knows that if he had £40,000 to blow, he’d buy a Ford Mustang.
The Worst Job I Ever Had: Development Producer. Thankless, hopeless and you have to work on show ideas you’d hate. I once had to fax Clint Eastwood’s agent to ask if Clint had any terminal illness we could interview him about. I’m profoundly ashamed I didn’t say ‘no’, and the agent replied with a simple ‘fuck you’.
When I Was A Child, I Wanted To Be: A writer for 2000AD. I made up some kick-ass Strontium Dog stories.
My Favourite Album Of All Time Is: REM - Document. The summit of their IRS years, and contains the most flawless anti-love song ever in The One I Love.
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